Lesbian mothers and gay donors: do they achieve the parenting experiences they plan?

Abstract

There is some research that examines outcomes for children of lesbian mothers but there is a paucity of research on the outcomes for lesbian mothers, their partners and the donors. Do lesbian mothers and their partners achieve the families that they want? Do the donors, lesbian mothers and their partners keep the agreements that they make? What happens for the adults in these situations and why? The purpose of this study is to answer these questions and begin to develop an accurate knowledge base from which lesbians and their partners and gay donors can make informed choices about donor parenthood; how to go about it, how to protect themselves and achieve the outcomes they want. As well, research carried out by lesbians and gays about ourselves enables us to rebut uninformed criticism and tell the stories of our own lives. I used a qualitative research interview method using in-depth interviews with a limited number of participants, as opposed to interviewing or using a questionnaire with a greater number of participants, but at less depth. I then presented and discussed common themes from the resulting stories. I interviewed four gay men who had donated sperm to lesbian/s to enable them to become mothers. The lesbians to whom they donated sperm had conceived, given birth and were raising the child that resulted from the donation, and sometimes other children as well. I wanted to discover what the initial intentions of the gay donors were and what arrangements or agreements they had come to with the lesbian mothers. I wanted to discover how the donors felt about the pregnancy, birth and upbringing of their children and whether they later changed their intentions and behaviour. Specifically I wanted to know whether the arrival of the "real" child impacted on their ability to adhere to agreements they had made with the mother and her partner. To provide a complete overview I interviewed five lesbian mothers who have given birth to children as a result of using sperm donated by gay men. I also interviewed four of the lesbian partners who live with the lesbian mothers, and raise the children born from the donation. I wanted to discover what arrangements the lesbian mothers had with the gay donors and what their intentions were towards the gay donors. Did they see them as fathers or as a means to achieve parenthood for themselves and their partners. Were the arrangements that had been made kept, and how did the lesbian mothers and their partners feel about the pregnancy, birth and raising the child? Did the experience of birth and parenting alter their perception of the donor or impact on the arrangements that had been made prior the conception and birth of the child? I intend to discuss whether the lesbians and gay men in the sample were specific and clear about their goals and intentions in respect of their relationships to each other and the prospective child. It is my belief that lesbians and gay men who choose to create families using a known gay donor can experience misunderstandings [see definition below] even if the process is carefully planned. These misunderstandings may occur because those involved, may fail to take into account the depth of feeling experienced by all concerned. Misunderstandings are differences in understanding or conflict about donors' presence/non presence at the birth, or the amount or intensity of contact following the birth, or how and whether the donor is to exercise ongoing access to the child, or the parenting roles of gay men, their partners, lesbians and their partners, or financial responsibilities, or the legal status and rights of all concerned in respect of the child. The mothers, mothers' partners and the donors who participated in the research for this thesis did plan the presence or non presence of the donor at the birth, the amount of on-going contact that the donor would have and the parenting roles and legal responsibilities of all concerned. Despite this planning, misunderstandings did occur for many of the participants in this study. The major source of these misunderstandings was that the participants had different starting points. The donors did not network so could not benefit from other donors' experiences. At the outset they tended to regard the donation of sperm as an easy thing to do, or an altruistic act. Donors did not investigate their legal position thoroughly. Once the child was born they became attached or very attached to the child and began to see themselves as having an ongoing part in the child's life. Even prior to the birth all the mothers and most of the mothers' partners defined themselves as mothers or parents. Lesbian mothers all networked with other lesbian mothers and benefited from this experience. At the outset, most of the lesbian mothers and their partners wanted the major say in their children's lives, and wanted to manage donor impact on their family lives. In the end however, all agreed to have some form of ongoing contact with the donor. The most common pattern was mother, the mother's partner and the child forming the prime family unit with the mother and the mother's partner the acknowledged parents. The donor was more likely to be placed on the perimeter of the family, with varying degrees of intimacy in respect of the child and family unit. The contact with the child was controlled by the mother and her partner and agreed to by the donor. In one family a donor became completely integrated into the family unit, parented the child and made a financial contribution. Despite the fact that misunderstandings did occur, all the mothers, their partners and donors have managed these difficult, non-traditional relationships well. Although there were disputes, all parties are communicating with each other, access arrangements have been worked out to the satisfaction of all concerned and no disputes have ended up in the courts. Several lesbians are either pregnant or considering a future pregnancy using the same donor. At the time they were interviewed for this study, all of the participants with the exception of one mother [in only some areas of her parenting experience], expressed satisfaction with the outcomes and maintain relationships with each other that are both workable and sustaining.